If you've just figured out you're an empath then I want you to know...

[Tony Irwin]

... that it really does get better.

Seriously.

I've been here just over 6 months now. For the first time in my life I can have periods through the day where my thoughts and feelings are the only ones inside my head. It's like a big house, and rooms that were full of clutter are suddenly made empty and you have space for the first time. And you realise "My goodness, I never realised what a beautiful house this is. I'd like to spend more time in here".

Going around my day, happily unaware of the rest of the world, just being me - the same way everyone else does; it's all possible.

The fear of insanity diminishes. The exhaustion lessens. The fear of strong emotion in others or of doing something that might provoke strong emotion, starts to dwindle.

Good things are coming! They really are!

If you've just arrived, and you feel like you're going crazy, please do talk about it. There's dozens of dozens of people who would be glad to give advice, and many more who would be glad to just read what you have to say. To accept it without judging you.

Contact me! Contact any of us! Use your blog. Start threads. Send messages. Use the friend thingammy that I can never quite get to work. Use the chat facility! Ask questions questions questions, and share share share.

Have faith that six months from now things can be utterly different. I really look forward to hearing your story and sharing my own.

Best,

Tony

[Rev. Rhonda]

Who could resist a great invitation like this? Thanks for being such an open heart.

[Cat]

Thanks. I know I've always felt like a stranger inside my own head & body. I look forward to the day when I can deal with this with grace & clarity.

[Tony Irwin]

I've always felt like a stranger inside my own head & body.

I still can't get over what a perfect phrase this is. It totally describes so much of my own experience!

[Tony Irwin]

Yeah! One of the things I think I've learned here - is that anything I feel can, has, and will be felt by others. Which I guess I kind of knew anyway because I could always easily connect with other people because I "knew" their experience and could relate to it. I guess the problem was that I could know and understand everyone else, but no one seemed to know me.

I regret now that I didn't make a bigger effort to seek out other people like me. Articulating what I felt, and maintaining contact with others who felt the same, wouldn't have been that hard to do. Even if I didn't understand why I felt this way.

[Tiger]

Tony,
What a wonderful and loving message, I couldn't agree more, it's been a little under 6 months for me here, and it has changed my life without question - for the first time in my life I feel joy about my quirky self and am now beginning to hear, discover, feel, learn more of myself, but also very importantly, more about others...

This place is the first place, where I can be, and it be ok for me to be scared, angry, hurt, lost, happy, silly and express these without fear... just to be! I have fallen in love with so many of you in such a short time! Foe all of your wisdom, unconditional love, support, kindness, experiences, stories and acceptance I thank you!

Thank you all!

I would love to be able to continue this circle of discovery and support - pass on the same to any new people here who are feeling a little confused, lost, scared, or overwhelmed - you are all welcome to message me if you feel compelled to, even just to bounce ideas off.

with love,
Tiger
xxx

[The World Is Like Dew]

a real inspiration. Yeah I've figured I'm an empath out in the last 6 months, but its getting worse as I am made more aware of it; I will use the phrase "happily unaware of the rest of the world". Has a ring of crazy wisdom to it, of the joker archtype variety.

[Tony Irwin]

Gotta love that joker archetype! I bet he doesn't feel responsible for the emotions of everyone he meets! Yeah I'd like to cultivate a bit more of that in myself.

[Pamela]

All my life I thought it was the Catholic guilt following my around.
Little did I know it was because I was an empath.
So how do you get rid of it.

[Tony Irwin]

Here's what I'm doing Pamela:

Practicing and playing with my empathy. Using exercises to practice being in control of it.

Assuming that part of me wants to feel this way, and figuring which part of me that is and why. Tracing its presence in my life.

Unpicking some of the life decisions I've made about who I am meant to be. Stuff which isn't about empathy (a lot of it is to do with my experiences with religion), but which has had the side effect of leaving me empathically open to everyone I meet. Like many times in my life I've committed myself to serving others - and that switched on and deepened my empathy to the point where it was driving me crazy. I can do all the grounding exercises I like, but I need to confront the decisions I've made in the past about how I relate to the rest of the world.

[Pamela]

Tony,
Confronting decisions I've made in the past about how I relate to the rest of the world. I never thought about this, but then again confrontation of any form has never been by cup of tea.
Please explain further as at the moment I can't see how I could or have ever had control over this. But yet often feel terrible about things I can not change.
Why in moments like this does that darn serenity prayer go through my head?

[Tony Irwin]

Hey Pamela

In the past I've made decisions like these:

a) From now on whenever I'm in a conversation with someone I will put them first.
b) Serving other people is my gift to give the world.
c) Other people's feelings are more important than mine.
d) I will love everyone to the full extent I am capable.
e) I am sent to heal and celebrate the life of everyone on planet earth I come in contact with.
f) I will view myself as the lowest person in every situation. That way I'll learn humility.
g) I will find a way to serve every person I encounter.

and so on...!

These are big life decisions that affected my life and the way I live around others - even my career choices, let alone little daily interactions.

But if I make a decision like this:

Tomorrow at work I'm gonna try and switch my empathy off and stay in my own head...

Can you see how that decision clashes with those big decisions I've been making all through the years? My simple desire to switch my empathy off is like the opposite of those big life decisions. And those are BIG decisions. Made in church, or on the first day of university, or after getting my heart broken by a woman, after having conflicts with people, after getting betrayed... decisions made in the midst of powerful emotions - decisions that have affected who I am right now.

As well as practicing lots of different exercises (and these have been vital for my sanity!) to learn how to control my empathy I need to look at a lot of those life decisions - at my own kind of "philosophy" for who I am meant to be.

I can't have it both ways. The reason my empathy is always switched on loud is because that's my mind carrying out those decisions I've made. It's the natural consequence of them. If I'm on my knees as a teenager praying "Im going to find a way to serve every person I encounter" then my brain finds a way to make that happen - through empathy.

So something I'm doing just now has been trying to think of myself as "the tribal leader" instead of "the servant" or "the healer" or "the friend". Cos here's the thing - the tribal leader doesn't get tied up in everyone else's emotions! He's too busy doing his own important stuff. Sure he'll help his tribe (I think of my tribe as planet earth) but he does that on his own terms and in his own way. He's not a slave to their emotions like I am when I'm living as the servant, or the healer or the friend to everyone I meet.

At the root of this is my belief that my empathy is active because I want it to be (I expect you'll encounter different opinions on that one among empaths). At a deep level I'm choosing to reach out and pull in the emotions of everyone around me, even though it's driving me crazy! Even though I'm desperate to learn how to stop that. I thought I didn't have control, but actually I've always had control at a deep level. But it's all a long journey. Each day working to change my perception of who I am and who I am meant to be. Trying get some progress towards consciously controlling empathy rather than being a victim of it.

Anyway, that's my take on it, that's where I am just now. Like I said above I want to emphasise the value of grounding exercises as well! For me that's fundamental.

[Pamela]

Tony Thank you,
That helps allot, I guess I chose along time ago to be open the more I went through in my own life seemed to make me even more susceptible to others. I guess when I think about it in those terms I have been controlling it for some time. For example when faced with a family tragedy or problem, illness etc.... I go into what I call my zone, it is time to take care of the person at hand and I block out all others. I don't let other family members worries become mine. I just take care of business so to speak. I do this knowing that later I will let myself breakdown but for that time I am a rock. I guess what I am starting to realize is that I can control or block when I need to.
If I dig a little deeper I realize I would not give up my abilities for anything and when I feel I have helped someone else, or done a good deed it is amazing the feeling of that. I can't imagine being who I am without my gifts. who would that be?
I too must keep searching for answers, but getting feedback from folks like you is so helpful.